pulseflatline
sacrificejust doing some introspective analyzing, sorting through my thoughts...
alone. unhappy. hurt. scared. nervous. anxious. paranoid. stressed. tortured. unsure. conflicted. angry. cornered. betrayed. empty. detached. overwhelmed. paralyzed. discarded. crushed. insignificant. futile. ineffective. unreliable. insufficient. estranged. unprepared. abused. unimportant. scarred. afraid. alone.
im feeling so many things for so many reasons. i thought this time would be different. and it was. but nobody ever really changes, so i'm still as much of a failure as i ever was, and everything that happens in my life reflects that. i always manage to screw things up. the only thing in my life right now is school, and i'm struggling even to maintain that.
i feel like a totally different person, trapped inside the person i used to be. everything feels so...cold. like i'm walking around in one of those cold windy days right before the rain, where there's no one in sight, and everything is silent but the calm sound of the wind, and there's this feeling of energy in the air that's both omnipresent and intangable. it feels like this quiet torrent of gentle force creating this massless distance between me and the world. my life just seems to have had the volume turned down, the urgency sucked out, everything blending into the ceaseless muted rumble of the world, like someone calling to you from across a crowded subway terminal. and i can see where i am in the middle of this great expanse, and far away in the shady distance is a dying shell of who i was, shot in the heart and fading fast. and i can look down and see my legs already running in the other direction, but towards what? everything is a big question mark for me right now, my life is in such a state of flux. where do i go from here?
i guess i can embrace this quiet, if i can maintain it. i belong in the background, i always have. i want to live my life from behind the lens of a camera. i just want to be a silent observer of this world, and be left alone to find whatever beauty i can find in it.
i just need to make it through this semester. i just need to stop making mistakes and start focusing on what i can control, and i need to learn to do it by myself.
so i guess this is a sort of goodbye, and a sort of hello.
-me
No soundbytes - respond
snowboarding
so tomorrow were going to go snowboarding. shelby's parents drove us up today. first shelbys' mom told me to be there around 4pm-4:30pm, but i got there really late, at about 5pm. it wasn't a big deal though, since shelby didn't even get out of play practice until 5 anyway. we were supposed leave as soon as shelby got home, but shelby ended up having to go pick up heidi and they had to go get money from the store, so they didn't even get back until about 6pm. it was a long windy drive out to bear valley, but we stopped at mcdonald's, and it was fine. heidi is really cool and fun, and she and shelby talked the whole way there. the place we got is a little condo/cabin really close to the ski area, so tomorrow morning as soon as we get up and running, we'll be ready to start. we're going to go for an all day package, we're leaving here around 8:30am. it's already 1am, and i'm lying in my sleeping bag ($60 extra per night just to use the linens) writing this out on my PocketPC, listening to yesterday's podcasts.
podcasting is an interesting new phenomenon i've recently started playing around with. the idea is that someone (the content provider) creates a basic webpage. in it, they include an RSS file. RSS stands for Really Simple Syndication. it's usually an XML file. so what that does is provide a way for other people (the listeners) to have a program sit on their computers and periodically check to see if any new updates have been made. the content, in this case, is a recorded audio show of some kind. everything from news to entertainment to erotica to copyright free music. so when someone adds a new update to their show, it will be automatically downloaded to the listener's computer. the "pod"casting part is because if you're using iTunes and an iPod, you can set it up to have it send it automatically to your iPod, so you can listen to it any time. it's really very convenient, in that you can be very specific about what you're listening to, it's portable, you can pause it anytime, and since you can just scan right past them, there's really no point in putting commercials. now, I don't have an iPod, so I use my PocketPC instead.
anyway, I need to get some sleep tonight if I want to have any energy tomorrow for snowboarding, so if you want more info about podcasting, check out ipodder. goodnight
-me
podcasting is an interesting new phenomenon i've recently started playing around with. the idea is that someone (the content provider) creates a basic webpage. in it, they include an RSS file. RSS stands for Really Simple Syndication. it's usually an XML file. so what that does is provide a way for other people (the listeners) to have a program sit on their computers and periodically check to see if any new updates have been made. the content, in this case, is a recorded audio show of some kind. everything from news to entertainment to erotica to copyright free music. so when someone adds a new update to their show, it will be automatically downloaded to the listener's computer. the "pod"casting part is because if you're using iTunes and an iPod, you can set it up to have it send it automatically to your iPod, so you can listen to it any time. it's really very convenient, in that you can be very specific about what you're listening to, it's portable, you can pause it anytime, and since you can just scan right past them, there's really no point in putting commercials. now, I don't have an iPod, so I use my PocketPC instead.
anyway, I need to get some sleep tonight if I want to have any energy tomorrow for snowboarding, so if you want more info about podcasting, check out ipodder. goodnight
-me
No soundbytes - respond
ever think about why people that talk on the news all have to talk in this weird, exaggeratedly dynamic dramatic voice? how come they don't just read things like normal people talk? it's kinda weird. like if i were to tell you a story, and want to make it interesting, i wouldn't talk like that. i'd still make it interesting, but i wouldn't have to do it in such an unnatural voice. but it's funny that everyone does it, like it's a requisite for hiring. does one get taught how to talk like that? is that covered in the journalism and communications major? i can't really think of any newscasters that don't speak in that voice.
just a thought.
-me
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